A lot of my friends text me about poop.

My text inbox is full again. Here are the gems:



I went to church to was away my sins. I don't think it worked.

What does Brian Fantana name his balls?

Portly island intern

Well I really didn't see my work friend. I was in the bathroom "doing work"

If I didn't love you, I would have seriously killed u with a chain saw

With a lasso and a sword

Well we just got back from breakfast and he is shitting in Jess's bathroom, so who knows?

Your interpretive dancing was hot, that's how! Bigger! Flashier!

We will dominate that menu.

How's ur day? I'm off. Endured a wonderful pap smear she was the one doing work this time. Ewwwww that was uncalled for.

Detoxed. I don't know.

You had me at "let's be best friends"

Yes silly. Don't take me for a fool. Show me the money!

I'm about to put gasoline in my chain saw while doing some serious work... if you know what I mean

You know we will bon qui qui. Love you long time.

Disappointed with the corndog.

I would never risk chopping off that masterpiece

Okay I know I never play it cool. How do u expect someone to act like u don't like him when all u want to do is have his little lumberjack babies?

K. I'm ready to play now. In my brassiere.

Well, better Kate Hudson than some tramp.

Gross. I just emptied a can of soda to use as a bowl. Small world? I'm trying to embrace so cal and become a proper pot head.

I don't even know how to respond to that. You know you can opt not to have a crush right?

There are cowboys here.

Ha ha snacks are good birthday

What do you mean by balls?

You really did growl! It made me laugh. I just took a huge dump! It was bad. I sprayed, I hope it still doesn't smell.

Absolutely. But I want to be an elephant not a clown.

I like to occasionally make eye contact. Like saying yeah I know you just pooped.

So the j crew employee just asked if she could start me a fitting room and I said sure. And she asked me name and then she told me hers and I go "nice to meet you!" really excited. I don't think that was the appropriate response.

Unanimous answer is girl with a strap on. How is your day going?

Don't let me see you or your dirty balls in my alley again!

I guess the road to stardom is paved with broken dreams and orange assholes...

Oh I saw the pic. That guy was super creepy. he picked me up and carried me across the dance floor right when we got there. I don't know why.

I love your ball!

Yeah. Cuz he was a bad boy. He had tattoos. Society had no hold on him.

Books is going 2 a "90s Love concert" featuring dru hill and silk. If that weren't enough, my immediate response was, "IS SYSQO GOING 2 B THERE?"

Uh! No more door beating. my slutty phase is wrapping up.

Put me in a gray shirt for five seconds and I will be pitting out! What is with that?

Being around these babies at the hospital strangely makes me want one. I must be going insane.

Bring a Mexican wrestling mask. That way if nothing else pans out, you can hook up with the dude in my picture

What is wrong with you?! Stop sweating you stupid bitch!

Are sketchers uncool?

I had that yesterday. I brought a whole 2 taco meal into the theater by myself. I looked like a fat loser. Everyone has their popcorn and candy and I pull out a full tray of tacos and beans from my purse. Yes I was hiding it there.

You walk like an old old wooden ship.

I was just in a meeting with my boss and the guy Brent that I started with. Brent said, "man, that's beefy" referring to a presentation binder and I almost blurted out "that's what she said." Prob better that I didn't on my first week.

No I was embarrassed to admit I know you

Yeah. Did you read the bible or imdb?

Eww gross. This guy sounds ridiculous. Can I date him?

I will CUT you

He does own a mullet wig.

It was hot. Extremely passionate. The kind from the movies. And even with a condom. It was a good mix of sweet and gentle and passionate and steamy. Descriptive enough for you?

I am gassy mcghee

Good that u finally started and congrats on getting molested. Sounds like a good day!

Blaaaaah.... now is that the sound of me getting sick on rice and beans or you losing your mind over softball leagues?

Rice and beans plus coffee equals bad news bears.

Groin cramp!

A student told me i felt "gooshy" i need to start working out

Holy shit. The coke heads that live below me got their apartment busted in by about 10 DEA agents this morning and I believe are in jail now.

Jane: I am giving up sex for lent. Me: You are giving up a sin for lent

I decided when I am saying goodbye to you i am going to say rub a dub dub

Also, I think i am having the least satisfying poop of my life.

Carlton just said hijinx on fresh prince.

What did you have for dinner? Cocaine?

"The average person releases about a liter of gas every day (about 14 expulsions)" - Elena's biology book

P.S. My pee problem is back with serious vengence. I almost peed myself 3 times today and one was while I was talking to my boss. Awesome.

I want to hug you & play your cleavage like drums!

Why would you want to get away from Hall and oats?

Sorry. I was proud of myself this morning for flushing the toilet.

There are so many squirrels out front the house i bet if i had some peanuts i could grab one

When you get here the stinky smell is not me today.

I am demolishing a foot long.

Shirt open to the belly button, Jack?

That boob is bigger than that one

Not you too! Will you still love it if its a toilet baby?

Jess is giving me shit cause I told her I went off birth control and she keeps pointing at me and yelling "preggers!" A toilet baby is from the TLC show about women who had their babies in the toilet cause they didn't know they were pregnant.

Good you just enjected more shark juice into my scrot

Anal escort



Slaminky Malargy...

Now Playing: "Come Pick Me Up" by Ryan Adams

Play that Funky Music

I fancy myself pretty in tune with a lot of different music genres. (Oh how punny am I?) But I feel like I'm late to the party with a lot of bands. Like, Neutral Milk Hotel. They disbanded before the turn of the century, and I just discovered them a year or two ago. It's not that I was busy listening to top 40 radio, it's that I'll get really into a new band and kind of immerse myself in them, and then when I come up for air, I've missed other amazing bands. It's hard to keep up. There is a lot of amazing music out there. And with the all the technology, more people are making music and getting it out there than ever before.

I grew up listening to classic standards like The Beach Boys and The Beatles. My parents were music lovers, so there was always something good coming out of the stereo. My favorite band was The Beach Boys. They were my first concert, and my parents actually met Mike Love and Al Jardine when they went to take a smoke outside before the concert started. I was so jealous. They got their autographs, and I really hope that I still have it somewhere.

In the 2nd grade, if we passed our spelling test on the first try, we were allowed free time while the kids who didn't pass had to retake the test. Being a smart cookie, I passed and raced to the tape player with my Catch a Wave cassette in hand. Clunky, blue headphones on, I started jamming to "Fun, Fun, Fun" and was really getting into it, when I was tapped on the shoulder by my teacher Mrs. Heck. Apparently, I had been singing aloud, and was disturbing the rest of the class as they tried to spell words like "autumn" and "bicycle." Morons. The whole class laughed at me, and my face went a bright crimson, but I didn't abandon my love of Carl Wilson's lovely falsetto on "God Only Knows" or Brian's knack for writing a perfect pop song. I'm not going to lie, I got really into NKOTB, Tiffany and Milli Vanilli during that same time. But affairs come and go, true love lasts forever.

In high school, I opted for rock bands like The Rolling Stones, The Doors, The Who, and Led Zeppelin. I also got really into Jimmy Buffett and Dave Matthews Band. I'm going to stand by my love of Jimmy Buffett, because he has some pretty great songs if you get past the dreck that is "Cheeseburger in Paradise" and "Margaritaville." Take a listen to "Biloxi" and "In the Shelter." Both are on the Changes in Latitudes album, and both are close to my heart. Listening to Jimmy Buffett reminds me of family road trips to Florida in our big Chevy Beauville van, that we called "Old Blue." Dad had a standard mixed tape that he'd pop in for the 18 hour ride, and it included a lot of Jimmy Buffett, The Beach Boys and The Byrds. It makes me smile just thinking about it. I'm headed down to Florida myself on Saturday, might have to pay a little tribute.

In college, the birth of Napster, Scour, and Kazaa and befriending different friends with different music tastes broadened my horizons. Now, I subscribe to emusic.com, which allows me to download 50 songs a month for around $12. There, I've been introduced to Bon Iver, Magnetic Fields, Ryan Adams, Blonde Redhead, Of Montreal, Old Crow Medicine Show, and one of my new favorites: The Decemberists. But I still feel like I'm missing out.

Is there anything anyone thinks I should be listening to? My loves range from Talking Heads to George Michael, back to Ben Folds to Willie Nelson to Heart. I'll take a listen to just about anything, and I'll probably end up liking it. What do you have for me, Internet?


Now playing: "Knights of Cydonia" by Muse

April Fools

In the spirit of April Fools Day, I'm going to be upfront about how I'm a sucker.

I was thinking about telling you about how I purchased a $200 tire for my car yesterday, but it's still a little fresh, and my cheeks are still tear stained. It especially hurts when your father is disappointed and tells you that you "were taken" and that "they saw you coming from a mile away." Insult to injury in it's truest form.

Do you know any 26 year old that has a time share? You do now! I'm taking my first time share vacation on April 11th to Daytona Beach, Florida. It's not so much of a time share, as a "vacation plan." Regardless, I'm still paying for it every month, and I feel like an idiot.

I used to be pretty clever with practical jokes. I would call my Grandma and joke with her that I was pregnant, and one time I convinced my mom that my sister, who was around 12 at the time, was hiding Playboys in her bedroom. That one backfired a little, because Mom started yelling at Megs, and made her cry. Sorry, Meggie Applehead.

But somewhere in my twenties, I lost my edge. I believe almost anything. I just know I'll be one of those old ladies on the news that gets scammed out of her retirement money. It's only a matter of time.

So if anyone is selling a bridge anywhere, or a nice piece of swamp land, you might want to try and sell to me. I'll probably take you up on it.



Now Playing: Plans by Band of Horses