Seinfeld Says...

My brain is fried lately, as I have been on the eternal search for a job. If anyone, anywhere has a job opening in some field of writing... let me know. Since my mind has been reduced to mush, I have been using "old people" phrases... as I like to call them and honeslty, I use them quite often. Maybe you can shed some light on....

- Tickle your fancy....

What in the world is a fancy, and why am I so set on tickling it? It kind of reminds me of fanny.... and if you want to tickle my fanny, you're gonna have to buy me dinner and drinks first.

- Selling like hot cakes....

Do hot cakes often sell out in a record amount of time? Actually, I am pretty hungry right now and would probably get in a street fight with the person keeping me from said delicious treat... so maybe I understand this one.

- Feeling under the weather, or not up to snuff...

Both of these are supposed to mean that you're sick. I plain just don't get it.... Snuff meaning like... tobacco? I'm not feeling well enough to sniff tobacco up my nose? Is that it? What the hell?

- Have your cake and eat it too...

Actually, I kind of have a handle on this one, and use it frequently. But for the longest time, I thought, "How can you eat cake, if you don't have it first?" And who in their right mind would not eat cake if they had it?

Mmmm cake...

Slaminky Malargy to you and yours....

Now Playing: "Hung Up" by Madonna

I Hear Mr. Turkey Say...

Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble....


Anyone else know that song? No? Just me? Thought so. Mom taught it to me when I was little, and it has been sung every Thanksgiving that I can remember. This is an actual photo of the wild turkey that is living the woods behind my house. Or should I say, one of the two wild turkeys. I'm not talking about the whiskey... which would be much appreciated if a still so happened to be stationed in my back yard. But since these animals love to deficate on our deck and patio, these turkeys have become my arch rivals. They bring a whole new meaning to the words "poop deck." I will stop at nothing to take them down. I don't own a gun, but I DO own a bullhorn, and have frequently scared the shit out them... literally.

Anyway.... just like anyone else's thanksgiving feast we had the major food groups present:


Meat, starches, corn and gravy. I love gravy. If it was possible, I would hook myself up to a gravy IV. It is the glue that holds the meal together, and without it, there would be no thanksgiving.

And of course you can't have said feast without a grease fire in the oven. And instead of helping to put the fire out, I got my camera to document our house almost going up in flames.

All in all, the gluttonous holiday was a success, as usual. I started drinking white russians at around 2 p.m. and stuffed my belly with enough tyiptophan to knock out a clydesdale. But I held off the nap, because there was plenty of gambling to do. Nothing says "family get together" like betting your life savings on tumbling dice. We did play a few games of Catchphrase and Scategories to get in the competetive mind set before the wallets came out and the shouting began. One lesson you will learn quickly when witnessing a McCalla/Buoni get together is that the decibel level is higher than a Man-O-War concert (they hold the record for loudest band in the world.) So be prepared to yell, or just bring ear plugs.

All jokes aside, I have a lot to be thankful for this year. This includes you, faithful readers. Hope everyone had a nice holiday.

Slaminky Malargy to you and yours...

Now Playing: "Ice, Ice Baby" -Ben Kweller

No Day but Today....

(Spoonleg-- this post is about RENT so you may not want to read, since I know you hate it. )

RENT opened in movie theaters today, and my sister Megan and I went to the latest showing.... to avoid high school drama kids who would probably sing along to the entire movie. (Ok, I would be lying if I said I didn't want to belt out some lyrics as well. My sister even put a stop to my "moo-ing" during Maureen's performance. Oh well.)

I don't want to be a musical theatre snob.... but, I am, so there. As a book is always better than the movie, the stage production is always superior, as anyone would guess. I saw Phantom of the Opera in movie theaters first, and then saw the stage production this summer when it came to Columbus. This was probably the way to go for me. My expectations weren't as high, and I didn't have really any previous devotion like I do for RENT.

It may sound like I am bashing the flick, but really I did like it. I cried like a baby at all the usual parts and even had to put my jacket over my mouth and nose to muffle the blubbering. All the actors did an amazing job, and I have to give credit to Rosario Dawson, because I had my doubts when they decided to cast her. She did extremely well, and I was impressed.

RENT has my favorite musical since I saw it in high school. And it has especially touched me this past summer when my cousin died. His friends, who perform with Sunday Night Live at Wall Street, dedicated their one-time performance of "Seasons of Love" to him the night of his calling hours. This really touched me, and I now think of him every time I hear it.

Basically I would recommend seeing it. I am SUPPOSED to see it again with my girlfriends on Saturday night and then go out for a night of drinking. But seeing as I am currently emotionally drained, I might have to skip the viewing and just go out for the booze.

Realizations after seeing the movie:

-Eventhough I have all the woman parts... some drag queens will always look prettier than me.

-I love Jesse L. Martin in ways I never knew I did before.

-I still can't stand the girl I had choir with in H.S. (initials A.L.) who sat behind me tonight, and would laugh at the screen after every delivered line, like she had an inside joke with the actors.

-Snotting in your coat will save you embarrassment during the film, but get you weird looks when you walk out of the theater.

-I still want a kid to walk behind me at all times with music on cue, blaring out of a jukebox so I can live my life as a musical.

-I want to be a part of an AIDS organization again, like I was in college.

-That I have tap shoes in my closet and might have to do a little entertaining during Thanksgiving dinner.

Slaminky Malargy to you and yours...

Now Playing: RENT score

Congratulations Andrea and Scott!!

My cousin Andrea's boyfriend asked her to marry him this morning. And guess who was the first one to know (outside her immediate family) ? ME!! I feel so privaledged... I'm in the "in crowd." (I made her splay her hand out like that to show the ring better)

I can't tell you how excited I am for her. When she told me I screamed like a school girl and jumped around my living room like I had springs on the bottoms of my feet. Scott is such a great guy and I couldn't have picked a better husband for her if I tried. They are lucky to have found one another.

Ok... now for the ring.... BA-LING! It is absolutely beautiful. I really want to try it on.... maybe I will let the whole "being engaged" thing sink in before I ask to play dress-up. Now... put your sunglasses on, because the sparkle is INTENSE on the eyes.

Scott, you will definitely be assisting my future fiance when he does his ring shopping.

Congrats!

Slaminky Malargy to you and yours...

Now Playing: "God Only Knows" by The Beach Boys

"I wanna (bleep) you like an animal..." (radio version)

I had a dream last night that I was dating Nine Inch Nails' Trent Reznor. I never knew I had such hot and heavy feeling for him, but after the dream I had... he's on the list.

Just look at him!

Look how hard he is rocking out! And those arms... don't even get me started. It wasn't even a "sex dream," he was honestly just a great boyfriend who happened to be a rock god. I wish I didn't have such a hard time separating fantasy from reality.

(yeah... Ok, since my scanner isn't hooked up to my computer, I cut this out of Rolling Stone, and then took a picture of it.... because I am lame like that. Whatever.)

Slaminky Malargy to you and yours...

Now Playing: "Closer" by NIN

Baking with Julia Child... err... I mean Marit

Since I am still not up to snuff, my post won't be that long and I will probably just direct you all to Marit's blog, where you can get the whole scoop on our baking adventure. We WERE going to send cookies out into blog land... but after we scarfed some ourselves, we were in sort of a sugar trance, and our decorating looked like that of a kindergarten class.


Here's the night in a nut shell:

Erin: Want to make icing mustaches?

Marit: YEAH!!

As you can see I went for the classic handlebar and Marit decided upon the more rebelious Fu Man Chu... complete with the under the lip "Flavor Saver." Doesn't everyone do this when they bake? I thought so...

Slaminky Malargy to you and yours....

Now Playing: "Coin Operated Boy" by The Dresden Dolls

Sicko

This is going to be a lame post. I am sick, and don't feel like being the delightful, charming self you usually find here at Slaminky Malargy.

I got together with some friends this past weekend at good old Mother Miami for a mini-reunion. Reunion with college friends = blacked out at Stadium. (Stadium being a bar, not the place where football games are played) We started everything off with a couple of steins at Steinkeller, but then things took a turn for the worse when we went back to my "old stompin' grounds." Double Jack and cokes and numerous shots later, I am telling this bartender that he is my favorite person... EVER. (In my defense, he is an old friend from college... but come on... favorite person EVER? What a drunk.)

My friend Elena is still on crutches, so for drinking purposes, she bought a camel pack. Which is basically a water bottle backpack with a tube and a spout... mostly used for bikers and athletes. It could fit two beers at a time, so Elena was set. I think we have reached new heights of either sadness or ingenuity. I like to think the latter. Although a good idea with the camel pack, crutches in a slippery bar.... bad. She bit it a couple of times, but not bad enough to have to have surgery again... whew.

It's nice to go back to Miami and see the same people working, and have them remember you.... and have your spot at the bar still there. Oh, it brings a tear to my eye.

So... if anyone saw me roaming the streets of Oxford, Ohio between the hour of 2:30 a.m. and 3:45 a.m., I am sorry if I made an ass out myself.... I can't remember a thing. But instead of telling me about the idiot I am, just go on and continue being my friend.... I can't take the embarrassment. I don't think I will be drinking that heavily until New Years...

But since this was Friday, and I was perfectly fine until Sunday night (health wise) I do not believe my sickness now and my binge drinking on Friday have anything to do with each other. So you can go on and feel sorry for me... because I didn't bring this on myself.


My parents got back from Jamaica last night. I immediately told Dad to bend over so I could retrieve my precious illegal substance. Alas, he did not risk the penalty or his tailpipe so his daughter could fill her hashpipe. Oh well. They DID bring me back a sweet Bob Marley t-shirt though. Very much appreciated.

Alright, I feel like Drop Dead Fred when he got his face shoved in the refridgerator. Come on... you know what I'm talking about....

Slaminky Malargy to you and yours....

Now Playing: "Longing/Love" by George Winston

Waiting In Vain

As my parents left for Jamaica on Sunday, I asked my dad to bring back some marijuana in is rectum. (Rectum? Damn near KILLED 'em!) You know, to pass through customs and whatnot...


He better double bag that shit....


Slaminky Malargy to you and yours...

Now Playing: "If I Were a Carpenter" by Bobby Darin

Old Man River

I went to Bowling Green to visit my sister Megan (aka: Reverand Bluejeans, Meggie Applehead, Meggo the Leggo: The One and Only Go-Go tap Dancer) for the weekend.

I had a great time with her, as always. What I especially liked, was the chance to see her in her college element. Over the years, Megan has proven herself as "the cool sister" and has been embraced by my High School and Miami friends alike. She would visit me at college and everyone was always excited to see her, and we tended to get her all sorts of drunk.

Although I know she had good times visiting me, I think she was excited to be the host for once, and show me the BG hotspots and her stomping grounds.

She hosted a party at her apartment on Saturday night, and although I felt like Old Man River, I took a step back and watched as she was surrounded by many friends, completely emersed in the college hoopla that I miss, but know I am no part of anymore. I had a great time. I played a few games of beer pong, befriended the only gay man there (surprise surprise) and got to witness some good ol' college drama. I am so proud of my sister and it makes me really happy to see her happy. She didn't think I was having fun, but I was mostly pensive (not exactly the time or place), and a little jealous that I have to be grown up.

I am going to try and remember these feelings as I head back to the alma mater next weekend with the wildest of my own college friends next weekend. I have a hunch that the "Old Man River" notion will be lost, and I will have stories of drunkness and debauchery next Sunday. (No fighting or arrests, Scott.)

So here's to you Rev. Thanks for the weekend!

Slaminky Malargy to you and yours...

Now Playing: "Crossroads" by Cream

It's not Stalking when it's your friend....

I met Marit (http://cantmakethisstuffup.blogspot.com/) tonight... face to face. As I suspected, it was completely normal. Aside from the part where we listened to other people's conversations and took notes on napkins...

We had a few pints of Blue Moon and a couple glasses of water (don't need any DUIs) and some good conversation I might add.

I would ellaborate on our blog meeting, but she already posted, and I think it is really funny... so just go there. I couldn't write it better myself.

I don't know how to make a word a link, because I am a moron, so forgive me.... or teach me.

Slaminky Malargy to you and yours....

Now Playing: "Upward Over the Mountain" by Iron & Wine

Steve Perry's wailing falsetto will be the death of me... I just know it

Alright now... I have tried to publish this exact post like a bazillion time (yes that is a number).

I am frustrated, so I am going to just give you the highlights of my weekend in the Windy City... along with photos. Some have brought it to my attention that I am somewhat of a mystery. Now you can all see my beautiful face... haha.

Hightlights: (in no particular order)

- Was royalty treated to an all-expense paid dinner at Capital Grill. Champagne and filet mignon... can't go wrong there.

- Drank like fish at The Schoolyard.

Elena and I

Joanna and Brian doing shots Billy flipping me the bird... Herb... and Clancy pondering his drink...

Irwin getting in on the action

-Was abandonded by Joanie and Herb at the late night bar Katacombs. Meeting random new friends to drink more with (don't try this at home kids), and then making my way home at 5 a.m.

-Had a "get the white man out of power" conversation with my cabbie. All I did was mention that I was definitely digging the Bob Marley CD he was playing (especially after the shibby), and I opened up a can of worms about the evils of the white man. Dude... pipe down and turn up "Waiting in Vain".... mind if dance a bit?

-Was the Costume Party Keg Stand Champion. I was the only girl to enter the "competition" and no one could beat me. Then to prove I was an extra badass.... I beat my own time. God, I am so hot. Getting captured by Martha Stewart

-Heard the faint call of Journey's "Anyway You Want it" coming from the front room where the dance party was going on. I decided to RUN from the kitchen.... only to trip and fall flat on my face in the middle of the dance floor. Beer went flying as I knocked the wind out of myself. To make matters worse, I just proceeded to lay there, hoping to die. For some reason I thought I could disappear into the carpet. (Note to readers... I WAS NOT THAT DRUNK. I am a clumsy fool and should have known better than to run in my viking boots. To make matters worse, I tripped on the random bumched up tarps laid out to prevent beer spillage.) I just love me some Journey.

- Irwin's sweet ass in the Tweety Bird costume.

-Herb's (The Gorilla) renditions of dancing. Russian kicks are NOT sexy. I have told you this before.

-Joanna's Puss In Boots, Elena working her broken hip/crutches into a costume, and Anne as Clifford the Big Red Dog.

- A drunk ass 21 year old called me Ma'am and when I called him out on it, he took that as an invitation to rub his face in my cleavage. He was lucky it was his birthday.

Birthday Boy trying to rub his face in Joanie's cleavage this time

-Watched the OSU at Mickey's, and pumped up the crowd with a few OH-IOs.

- This guy dressed as a Turkey.... and me trying to explain to him that there is a wild turkey in the woods by my house, and how I hate that turkey, but LOVE him. What a drunk ass...

So there was my weekend in a nutshell. As always good friends, good brew, and good times.

Slaminky Malargy to you and yours....

Now Playing: "Bullet" by Frank Black