It was pointed out to me by my dear friend Megan Masek (whose blog you should DEFINITELY read
http://www.meganmasek.blogspot.com/ ) that I PROMISED to highlight my second night of my mini-reunion weekend at my alma mater Miami University.
It started out with 2 liters of Gatorade to try and flush out my system from the night before. And since I am a filthy beast... no shower til we hit Morgan's apartment at around 5:30 p.m. I swear it was the best bathing experience of my life. (Mind you I woke up in the hallway of an apartment complex.... face down.... with no pillow. What a dirty dog I am.) I still am not quite sure why I am glorifying my lack of hygene... but roll with it.
So we shower up and head to Skippers to sit on the patio and throw back some pitchers. I still wasn't quite ready to drink yet so I ordered a vodka and cranberry to ease me into it. Well the bartender happened to be a kid from my major, and I think he remembered me so I was drinking straight vodka with a hint of cranberry. I did always think he was cool. The boys then headed to Fish Fest the annual swimmers and divers party while the girls headed to the next stop on our bar crawl. The German bar: Steinkeller.
This was the best part of the evening, and I think that is because I remember all of it. Morgan, Abby, Elena and I all ordered up some steins of the finest german brew and pounded them quickly enough to be able to whip them around our heads in what is the coolest drinking trick I can do. I can hardly explain it, but I will be sure to show you if you ask. We were interrupted by a "Jean Shorts Party" playing with an imaginary basketball. They passed it to me and I procceeded to dribble while chugging out of my stein. They loved me. Elena and I also met a 40 year old man there who apparently is going to fly his private plane to Columbus to come and pick me up for dinner... in Chicago. He was a southern gentleman who SWEARS he wasn't trying to pick us up, but yet has been emailing Elena and asking her out to dinner ever since.
The boys came back and we decided to move the party to Stadium.... my home for my four years at Miami. We actually had to pay to get in and this pissed me off to no extent. I was a little tipsy and tried to explain to the bouncer just "who I was" when I decided I sounded pathetic and just pay the 3 dollars cover. Just then the manager comes over and hugs and kisses me and tells us how much he has missed us. (Mom is just so proud of me.)
Most of the night is foggy. We basically were the assholes WE hated when we went there.... coming back and acting like we owned the place. But let's just face it.... we DID. So we were a little too loud and a little too drunk and apparently I was a little too meaty again because I wanted nothing more than for my friend Rob to dump his beer on this girl's back. Why spill my own? I am pretty sure she called me fat in the bathroom, but I am not 100% sure on those facts. Elena also was the proud recipient of an STD-free letter from her gyno and she shared it with all who passed by. We are so happy for you Elena!!
The more funny points of the night always come after closing time... or at least to me. The bartenders didn't make me leave so I sat finishing my beverage when this townie came up to me. He was sporting a mustache that would make an 8th grader proud and proceeded to tell me he was going to be a famous actor. So OBVIOUSLY I told him he was wrong and that I in fact was a singer who would become more famous than him. I am pretty sure my maturity level decreases as the night progresses. Well he goes on to offer me a "mustache ride" and I pretend not to hear him. And then he explained to me JUST how big my boobs were, as if I had never seen them before in my life. Then he told me that he was "going to take me out of that bar and lay me down." Whatever that means. So I did what any girl would do. Went home with him and cashed in my Mustache ride coupon!
I almost threw up just JOKING about that. I hid in the bathroom like the frightend Lucas Haas in The Witness.... except that I am not a boy, or Amish, and did not "witness" a murder. But aside from all that.... we were EXACTLY alike.
We went back to Elena's old roommate Taylor's house where we "kicked out" by her roommates who HATED us. It started with a sleeping Diab. Poor Diab, passed out on the floor. No blanket. No pillow. Elena saw an opportunity to give Diab what I call a "zerbit." A zerbit by my definition is when you blow on ones stomach and it makes a farting type noise and also tickles the recipient. After several zerbits from Elena and much hysterical laughing from the rest of us, Brad "Ogre" Bartel wants to join in the fun. He starts humping Diab like there was no tomorrow. Diab tried to ignore the humping for awhile, but Brad's gyrations were just too much. No matter how hard Diab tried to fight Brad off.... the humping continued. I have never laughed so hard at someone's misfortune, but the combination of the humping and how Brad was so pleased with himself and the utter hatred burning from Diab's eyes was too much for my bladder to take. The struggle ended up in a broken love seat and more received hatred from Taylor's roommates.
After all the debauchery of the evening, it was the next afternoon.. when we were all almost cited by the police for "walking too slow when crossing the street." ARE YOU SERIOUS?
It took me until Tuesday of last week to recover from the weekend.
Slaminky Malargy to you and yours....
