Oh Bla Di... Life Goes On

I have been suffering from a sore jaw for the last few days. And since I really hate to rock the boat, I decided to let this one ride out and see if the pain would go away on its own. Well... it didn't, and by today I wasn't able to bite down.

So I called my dentist and since he is a badass, he asked if I could come in right then. So I brushed my teeth put on a bra (I would be great in survival training as Aaron told me one day about 3 years ago) and set off for what I thought would be just a consultation.

I get there and he tells me I have TMJ and I should have been in 3 days ago. So he makes this splint/retainter thing for me by pouring burning got acrylic on my bottom front teeth. As the burning intensifies, I feel a river of drool washing down my face into my ear (since my head it tilted back and all.)

I start screaming "YOU'RE KILLING ME!" when he tried to rip off the cooled acrylic off my teeth. I hope there weren't any young children hearing my painful cries.

I have to wear this mouth piece until my jaw stops hurting. I can't say my "R's" very well. Which reminds me of first grade when I thought a new friend had an English accent. When I proceeded to tell my mother about my newfound British friend, she promptly explained that she just had a speech impetiment. No fish and chips or tea and crumpets at her house. I still became her friend anyway.

Miranda says that I sound like I have down syndrome. Laura is sticking with my likeness to Barbara Walters. Either way, I don't see myself getting too many dates.

Slaminky MalaWgy to you and youws....

Nightly Dinner Conversation: Part Deux

It's just too good not to share...


Talking about Mom's old boss who used to have a mistress

Mom: Her name was Geneva.

Dad: I hope she didn't own that bar.... (trails off)

Mom: The one where you were dancing with the strippers?

Me: What? Was this a bachelor party?

Dad: No, it was a softball team gathering.... at 2 in the afternoon.

Mom: This girl took her top off and put a cowboy had on her boobs and jumped up on the table and started dancing.

Me: (to Dad) And you danced with her?

Dad: Yeah.... (long pause) I also think I was singing "Emotional Rescue."

Me: See my friends wonder where I get it. IT'S IN MY BLOOD!

Dad: (trying to explain) It wasn't a strip club, it was a Go-Go bar. There were four dancers, I don't know how I remember that, and they were dancing all around. One had stretch marks and a C-section scar.

Me: (shakes head)

Dad: I don't know if I got reprimanded by the bar owner or not.... good times though.

Mom: All I remember is that we walked out of that place and.... well it's not right when you walk out of a bar drunk and it's a bright sunshiny day.

Me: Are you quoting lyrics now?

Dad: Were we done playing softball that day?

Mom: No, we had another game. I think Bernie was too drunk to even play.

Dad: Remember that time when Larry got in that fight only because these 2 guys fighting were in his way of dancing? He just wanted to dance!


Slaminky Malargy to you and yours....

Nightly Dinner Conversation: a sample

Me: I have a fro. Please excuse it.

Dad: It's not so much a fro, as it is big and bouncy. (Pushing up the sides of his non-existent curls with the palm of his hand.)

Mom: (to Dad) Don't do that.

Dad: (ignoring Mom) Just like that girl on Charlie Brown. Sally, with the curly hair. Ya know, the one that always talks about her "perfectly curly hair." (Still pushing up his curls.)

Me: That's not Sally, that's the red-head, but not the red-head that Charlie Brown loves.

Mom: Sally is Linus' girlfriend. The red head is the one that calls Peppermint Patty, "Sir."

Me: No, that's Marcie. She must be a lesbian.... why else would she do that? And, Sally is Linus' sister. Wait.... no, Lucy is his sister, Sally is Charlie Brown's sister.

Dad: And Sally loves Linus. And Lucy loves...

Me: Schroder. Has this turned into a quiz? Why are we still talking about this?

Mom: I was right all along. But what is the red-head's name? And whose girlfriend is she?

Dad: I guess we will never know.

Blackout

This post was supposed to be a recall of the Anti- Valentine's Day party I was so looking forward to. I was going to tell all the amusing and flirty things I did, but alas.... I cannot remember much of the evening.

DAMN YOU JELLO SHOTS!!

Basically all I can remember is that I drank about 3 cocktails and maybe a beer then proceeded to eat my weight in jello spiked with Black Haus or Vodka... clearly an intelligent decision. I danced it up a little with a few fellows and most likely more ladies and then things get hazy.

So what I will tell you now is what I was told when I woke up with my dress clothes on and a black permanant marker "E-Bird" tattoo on my right arm.

APPARENTLY.... I spilled jello shot all over myself and asked Aaron Keegstra to lick it off me... and for that, I am so sorry. I THINK he may of obliged, but I am sure out of sheer politeness. He was nowhere to be found the next morning, so I am sure the drunken display frightened him. PUBLIC APOLOGY my dear square root.

I also found out that I bit it pretty hard. No one has yet to tell me if I slipped or if my legs just stopped working.... none the less... thank you Justano, Aaron and Abby for picking me off the ground. I am told that I was no very cooperative in the "standing up process," only to laugh and lay there in the snow.

I also came to find that my drunk dialing struck again. I called some friends and some randoms that I am sure were pleased to either have been woken up or left a rather slurred voice mail. Last weekend it was Aimee Komlos who faithfully took my 5:30 a.m. call when I was wandering around High Street in the cold. Obviously she is the person who would get me out of the jam I was in.... living in North Carolina and all.

The next day was rough to say the least. I can state for a fact that I have never been that hungover and was a wreck until 7:30 p.m. Saturday night. We tried to hot tub ourselves out of a hangover, but Miranda thought for sure she was going to have to use her life saving techniques on me when my eyes started to roll in the back of my head. I am not sure if that was because I was sick or because Jeff decided to take off his trunks when sitting beside me.

(Note to Jeff: Water is transparent, not a magical forcefield designed to cover your manparts when submerged. Because I am a lady, I did not look at your junk. But thank you for making it hard to miss your ass when you stood up and bootyshook in my face. Too much nakedness in my bird bath.)

Fun was had by all. Just a few spurts of drama here and there. (p.s. don't drink and drive.) (p.s.s. don't tell your friend you hate him because he is trying to make sure you don't puke.... sorry doan.)

Slaminky Malargy to you and yours....

Shuffle off to Buffalo

I busted out my old tap shoes this afternoon in celebration of the beautiful sunny day. Because honestly... who DOESN'T do that?

Well in case you were wondering.... yes, I still have the moves. I was hoofing it all around my basement. But I felt too limited down there, so I took my act outside to the driveway where I could really let loose.... and did I. The world is my stage.

Thankfully, both my parents were still gone at work and didn't come home to the display of time steps and combination moves.

Watch out Broadway.... E-Bird is back!

Slaminky Malargy to you and yours....

Freedom's just another word.... that Kevin spoke

What a weekend....

I had an acoustic show this weekend playing with just 2 guys from the band I usually sing with. It was at the Sunbury Tavern in.... you guessed it.... Sunbury. It was your basic Tavern with beer and pool tables and a little spot for bands to set up and play. When my fan club and I walked in, there were about 5 people OTHER than the guys I was singing with. I didn't care too much, because we were recording the set, and the less the background noise, the better quality live recording.... I guess.

Well when "us city folk" walk in the door, the 5 people in the place proceed to stare at us like we are animals in the zoo. A girl about 25 years old came up to us and introduced herself by informing us she was "hiding out" in Subury from her boyfriend who beats her up. A little word of advice... if for any reason you want to make new friends (as she did) don't let the first thing out of your mouth be a tale of domestic abuse. I feel bad for you girl, but that much honesty up front is unwarranted. We live by a code! (Right Lauren?)

We are approached by every guy in there, (by the way, THANKS DAD for just sitting idly by watching your daughter and her friends get hit on by men AS OLD AS YOU speaking gibberish.)
Let me ellaborate. There was Kevin who decided to communicate in decibels louder than he should and speak only in a language no one could understand. We soon figured out we had to record the quotes to then laugh at them later. These aren't all of them, but they are definitely the highlights:

1. "I hate when you put your socks on your feet, but they're not really socks. Now that's called discomfort."

2. "Not only physically, but cognitively, I will evaporate."

3. "Dogs don't speak. Not even black and white dogs."

4. "That was the most perfect and beautiful key note...LEAVE POLITICS ALONE, OK?" (I think this one was directed to me.)

5. "Quotable- unquotabes. Reminds me of a cracker."

6. "I wanted to be a Black Studies Month major."

None of these relate to ANYTHING. So they can't be taken out of context. We really didn't talk to him as much as he yelled to us. We mostly repeated his quotes back to him in hopes we could understand and make something out of them.

So I have a CD coming out which most likely will have Kevin yelling in the background about well.... you already read it.

I just want to thank my folks, abby, lauren, laura, miranda and joni for exposing yourself to the culture that is Sunbury, Ohio. When I get a record contract someday you will all be sitting front row when I play better places like.... Stubenville.

P.S. Lauren got a phone number from John who is probably older than our Dads.... work it girl.

Slaminky Malargy to you and yours....

Friends Don't Let Friends Do Drugs..... after college

I know I am a posting machine, and I really have no way of defending myself. But judging from the lack of comments either no one is reading, or I am not worthy to be commented on. So either way, who cares if I post like there is no tomorrow?

But I digress... there really is a point to this post.

I went on my date with Tracie and our chaperones (THE Aaron Keegstra and Laura "Straight Edge" Hoover.... I will explain the "straight edge" momentarily.) The date was scripted from an online dating service date. We both brought a backup friend to apparently ensure our safety.

The highlights, besides the great movie Million Dollar Baby (a must see and gets my Oscar vote), were The Boy/Girl/Eagle/Brownie Scouts, Bel Biv Devoe... again, the words hellacious, Aaron's pock pock, and dis. Aaron informed us that this was the worst date in history, so I tried to spice things up by holding Tracie's clam hand. But she soon revealed that holding her thermos was more important that a romantic evening with me.

Lots of laughs, despite a depressing movie. (We all did shed tears though... we aren't the heartless blind hating bastards we appear to be.)

So tomorrow night is GIRLS NIGHT!!! I thought a nice touch would be some special brownies. Laura informed me that Joni and Miranda couldn't partake in the consumption of such delicious brownies because of random drug testing....

Me: I am never getting a job where they do drug tests.
Laura: Don't you think there will be a point in your life where you aren't going to do drugs?
SILENCE AND SHAME

Well the answer to that is: NO TIME SOON!

So bring on the shibby!

Slaminky Malargy to you and yours....

Poppa Colla

I often receive a fair amount of shit for my alma mater, Miami University. I have heard it all from J.Crew U. or the fact that 99.9% of the student body is white. So you better get pretty creative to insult me (that is not necessarily an invitation.)

But I thought I would share this article written in the Miami Student BY a Miami student. I shared it with a few currently enrolled OSU and OU students and they thought it was pretty funny too. (J-Bone even said that he couldn't believe someone from Miami wrote it.... I'll let that slide... for now.)

So here it is:

http://mustudent.muohio.edu/viewoped.php?d=012505&n=1


Enjoy! And Zack... whoever you are.... congrats on writing about something other than the Bell Tower's significance or the philanthropies of the fratastic fraternities.

Slaminky Malargy to you and yours....

Seven Minutes In Heaven

Happy New Year!! I hope I can get a shout out from my Chinese brothas and sistas and we can raise our glasses in celebration. I was born in the year of the dog... I think. That means I am loyal... like Lassie. I want to thank the Golden Phoenix for having the placemats that identify your birth year with your birth animal, or otherwise I would never know that I am a dog.... I mean... wait. Just nevermind.

But the REAL "point" of my post today is to express my joy and anxiety for an upcoming Anti-Valentines Day Party. L.C. (aka Lauren Miller) is hosting a bash that includes spin the bottle, seven minutes in heaven, strip hide and seek among the usual dance parties and flip cup tournaments. Now most can see my concern. Strip Hide and Seek? Good God. First of all, I am absolutely frightened by hide and seek.... and nakedness. And the thought of those two being combined has 1. Forced me to workout everyday this week. B. Prepare my liver for the imense amounts of booze to get the courage to play hide and seek AT ALL.

By the way, has anyone ever REALLY played Seven Minutes in Heaven? The only time it was referenced was in Teen Wolf where Michael J. Fox clawed up that chick's back because... well... he WAS the Teen Wolf. Please... comment and share your 7M.I.H. experience.

But aside from all my worrying and curiousity, I am mostly excited about the upcoming event. (Especially the dance party.) There also will most likely be a gentleman story forum where we can hear Anthony's tales about Mrs. Robinson in Vegas.

But for now, I must prepare myself for Flounder (Tracie), my date. I might even paint my nails.... or just wash under them.

Slaminky Malargy to you and yours...

Show Me Your Boobs!!

Ahh yes, Mardi Gras is here at last. A time to gorge oneself on all sins only to repent the next 40 days. Since I couldn't get myself down to New Orleans, or as the natives call it "Nawlins" this year, I thought I would virtually flash all of you in hope to get beads. So here I go....

(o)(o)

Get a load of those jugs!


Woo Hoo! I am soooooo drunk! I loooooove exposing myself for plastic beads that I will throw away promptly when I get home. I just can't help myself... I am just soooo wasted!

So Happy Fat Tuesday! Get out there and sin! I am!

Slaminky Malargy to you and yours....

These are a few of my favorite things.... not schnitzel with noodles though

No... I'm not Julie Andrews (I wish!) so I am not going to write about cream colored ponies or strudel of any kind.... even if it is crisp or apple.

But I have run across a few things today that got me past my usual case of the Mondays.

I don't know who this kid is... but I would seriously want to be his best friend. http://db.playego.com.br/orafiles/01122005120941567g.swf His lack of shame and utter happiness has brought me smiles all day, and I have decided that if I was ever in a bad mood, only this website and The Outfield's "Your Love" would bring me out of my funk.

Also... I remembered a funny quote from my Dad...

"Everytime I drink tequilla anymore, I end up puking." Then follows a shot of Jose Cuervo 1800. Ahh yes....

Slaminky Malargy to you and yours...

My First Blog...

So I am jumping on the bandwagon as it seems, and I want to thank Megan Masek for telling me to do so. I have a lot to live up to with her and Tracie's blogs being so clever and witty, but I guess this is more for me anyway. I gotta get published somehow right?

I SHOULD explain my blog name... but the more I try to put into words how hilariousI think it is, it won't be understood by anyone but Lauren Miller who created it. Basically I am ripping it off.... and damn proud of it too so it seems.

So Slaminky Malargy to you and yours...