Cranky McGrump

The sky is seriously more blue than I have ever seen it. The sun is shining, it's a perfect temperature with a slight breeze. I'm employed. I've got many great friends who I laugh with until my belly hurts and my eyes water. I'm hosting a kick ass party this weekend that will hopefully end in a 4 am sing along to Frankie Valli's greatest hits.

But for the past three days I've been: sour, sarcastic, cranky, grumpy, bitchy, irritated and at one point smug for being all of those previous adjectives. I've also come down with a case of Attention Deficit Disorder. Hence why I'm writing a blog post at 2:30 in the afternoon.

What the fuck is up? No idea.

Maybe I'm bitter because the 4th of July weekend, although quite fun and booze filled, provided no nice weather, and once I stepped into the office, the sun came out and begged me to play hooky. I wanted to go canoeing so badly today, that I would have made a deal with my sister to take the trash out for a year. That's a big fucking deal, people. Seriously, trash is stinky and it makes me gag.

I know that I haven't posted anything about my trip to Mexico. Not that it wasn't an exciting and fun vacation, but I don't really have any crazy stories to tell. We went for rest and relaxation and we got it. We went snorkeling and had some wonderful meals, and many bottles of Sol. We met some nice people, and got a lot of sun. It was perfect.

Here is the only awkward story that I can think of to tell:

We walked into a bar that was hosting a party for "Grad Week," which meant that the entire bar was populated with 18-year-olds, freshly graduated from HIGH SCHOOL. Now, I'm not saying that I'm old. I'm 27. I've always said, "Age is nothing but a number." Although in retrospect, that was usually to justify having a crush on a guy who was probably too old for me. But, drinking in that bar, with all these kids (yes, kids) I felt as if Chris Hansen was going to jump out wearing his turtle neck and blazer and tell me that I was being taped for his show "How to Catch a Predator." It's not like I was on the prowl for some vacation sex, but I didn't mind if I did a little flirting, and I just couldn't wrap my mind around chatting, let alone batting my eyes at anyone in there. (I don't know how to flirt.) Sure, they're 18, which means they're legal. But I used to babysit kids that are now older than that. Creepy. How do men do it? I mean, sure after you reach a certain point in adulthood, a 10 year age difference isn't a big deal. But, I have a hunch there are a good amount of guys who are my age that would have taken the opportunity to hook up with a just legal co-ed. I'm not judging, because I love me some older dudes, but I just can't see myself going the other way.


Slaminky Malargy...

Now Playing: "Won't Want for Love (Margaret in the Taiga)" by The Decemberists

All-Star

This summer I thought I needed to play on a slow pitch, recreational softball team. I hadn't received any invitations from any other teams, so I decided to start my own. After making myself crazy trying to align teammates schedules and leagues, we landed on the semi-competitive league on Thursday nights.

I grew up playing fast pitch softball. I started with t-ball at 5-years-old, and moved to coach pitch, and then finally fast pitch at 8-years-old. I was a decent player and played through high school. I broke my leg playing indoor softball during the first inning, and finished the game, drove myself home, and took myself to the hospital. I was something of a badass.

Then came college and beer. And then came post-college and cocktails. Now I'm a 27-year-old ex athlete who still plays like she's in prime condition. I have yet to have a game this summer where I have not fallen down or gotten hurt.

Last night, we had a storm roll through during the 3rd inning of our game. We took a 15 minute break, and then came back out onto the field. I'm batting clean-up, and I hit a line drive into right field. I get on base, no problem. Joe is a lefty who bats behind me. He knocks one into left center and it gets through the gap. A faster runner would have made it home to score, but I am slow and know that if I hustle, I will be safe at third. So, I get "on my horse" and start trucking it to second, and as I make the turn to third, I slip in the rubber base and go down flat on my face. The ball is still live, so I turn on my knee and do a sad crawl back to second and extend my arm to the bag and lay there in all my glory. I hear a roar of laughter, and know that this couldn't have looked pretty.

Our team, Scared Hitless, has yet to win a game this season. We've had our fair share of good games, but mostly we've been run ruled. If you'd like to see me possibly break a limb next week during our double header, everyone is welcome to come and laugh at me and maybe shoot some footage to win yourself a little money on America's Funniest Home Videos, or whatever the show is called.


Slaminky Malargy...

Now Playing: "PYT" by Michael Jackson

27

So where did May go? I could have sworn that I had recently posted to this bad boy, but alas it's been since April 21st. Not much has changed in my life since then, except that my liver has more damage from a few weekend benders. But that really isn't so much out of the ordinary.


Today is my 27th birthday. I got my teeth cleaned this morning. I know how to have a good time. There was much celebrating this past weekend, and there is part of me that wonders if I'll ever be able to take shots again.


If you had asked me when I was 18, where I'd be in my life at 27, I would have told you married with a kid on the way. I can't tell you how happy I am that 18-year-old me was so wrong. I'm looking forward to spending my 27th year traveling, experiencing new music and cuisine, meeting new people, and maybe even falling in love. I have a feeling 27 is going to be good to me.


Slaminky Malargy to you and yours...


Now Playing: "Sleepless" by The Decemberists

A lot of my friends text me about poop.

My text inbox is full again. Here are the gems:



I went to church to was away my sins. I don't think it worked.

What does Brian Fantana name his balls?

Portly island intern

Well I really didn't see my work friend. I was in the bathroom "doing work"

If I didn't love you, I would have seriously killed u with a chain saw

With a lasso and a sword

Well we just got back from breakfast and he is shitting in Jess's bathroom, so who knows?

Your interpretive dancing was hot, that's how! Bigger! Flashier!

We will dominate that menu.

How's ur day? I'm off. Endured a wonderful pap smear she was the one doing work this time. Ewwwww that was uncalled for.

Detoxed. I don't know.

You had me at "let's be best friends"

Yes silly. Don't take me for a fool. Show me the money!

I'm about to put gasoline in my chain saw while doing some serious work... if you know what I mean

You know we will bon qui qui. Love you long time.

Disappointed with the corndog.

I would never risk chopping off that masterpiece

Okay I know I never play it cool. How do u expect someone to act like u don't like him when all u want to do is have his little lumberjack babies?

K. I'm ready to play now. In my brassiere.

Well, better Kate Hudson than some tramp.

Gross. I just emptied a can of soda to use as a bowl. Small world? I'm trying to embrace so cal and become a proper pot head.

I don't even know how to respond to that. You know you can opt not to have a crush right?

There are cowboys here.

Ha ha snacks are good birthday

What do you mean by balls?

You really did growl! It made me laugh. I just took a huge dump! It was bad. I sprayed, I hope it still doesn't smell.

Absolutely. But I want to be an elephant not a clown.

I like to occasionally make eye contact. Like saying yeah I know you just pooped.

So the j crew employee just asked if she could start me a fitting room and I said sure. And she asked me name and then she told me hers and I go "nice to meet you!" really excited. I don't think that was the appropriate response.

Unanimous answer is girl with a strap on. How is your day going?

Don't let me see you or your dirty balls in my alley again!

I guess the road to stardom is paved with broken dreams and orange assholes...

Oh I saw the pic. That guy was super creepy. he picked me up and carried me across the dance floor right when we got there. I don't know why.

I love your ball!

Yeah. Cuz he was a bad boy. He had tattoos. Society had no hold on him.

Books is going 2 a "90s Love concert" featuring dru hill and silk. If that weren't enough, my immediate response was, "IS SYSQO GOING 2 B THERE?"

Uh! No more door beating. my slutty phase is wrapping up.

Put me in a gray shirt for five seconds and I will be pitting out! What is with that?

Being around these babies at the hospital strangely makes me want one. I must be going insane.

Bring a Mexican wrestling mask. That way if nothing else pans out, you can hook up with the dude in my picture

What is wrong with you?! Stop sweating you stupid bitch!

Are sketchers uncool?

I had that yesterday. I brought a whole 2 taco meal into the theater by myself. I looked like a fat loser. Everyone has their popcorn and candy and I pull out a full tray of tacos and beans from my purse. Yes I was hiding it there.

You walk like an old old wooden ship.

I was just in a meeting with my boss and the guy Brent that I started with. Brent said, "man, that's beefy" referring to a presentation binder and I almost blurted out "that's what she said." Prob better that I didn't on my first week.

No I was embarrassed to admit I know you

Yeah. Did you read the bible or imdb?

Eww gross. This guy sounds ridiculous. Can I date him?

I will CUT you

He does own a mullet wig.

It was hot. Extremely passionate. The kind from the movies. And even with a condom. It was a good mix of sweet and gentle and passionate and steamy. Descriptive enough for you?

I am gassy mcghee

Good that u finally started and congrats on getting molested. Sounds like a good day!

Blaaaaah.... now is that the sound of me getting sick on rice and beans or you losing your mind over softball leagues?

Rice and beans plus coffee equals bad news bears.

Groin cramp!

A student told me i felt "gooshy" i need to start working out

Holy shit. The coke heads that live below me got their apartment busted in by about 10 DEA agents this morning and I believe are in jail now.

Jane: I am giving up sex for lent. Me: You are giving up a sin for lent

I decided when I am saying goodbye to you i am going to say rub a dub dub

Also, I think i am having the least satisfying poop of my life.

Carlton just said hijinx on fresh prince.

What did you have for dinner? Cocaine?

"The average person releases about a liter of gas every day (about 14 expulsions)" - Elena's biology book

P.S. My pee problem is back with serious vengence. I almost peed myself 3 times today and one was while I was talking to my boss. Awesome.

I want to hug you & play your cleavage like drums!

Why would you want to get away from Hall and oats?

Sorry. I was proud of myself this morning for flushing the toilet.

There are so many squirrels out front the house i bet if i had some peanuts i could grab one

When you get here the stinky smell is not me today.

I am demolishing a foot long.

Shirt open to the belly button, Jack?

That boob is bigger than that one

Not you too! Will you still love it if its a toilet baby?

Jess is giving me shit cause I told her I went off birth control and she keeps pointing at me and yelling "preggers!" A toilet baby is from the TLC show about women who had their babies in the toilet cause they didn't know they were pregnant.

Good you just enjected more shark juice into my scrot

Anal escort



Slaminky Malargy...

Now Playing: "Come Pick Me Up" by Ryan Adams

Play that Funky Music

I fancy myself pretty in tune with a lot of different music genres. (Oh how punny am I?) But I feel like I'm late to the party with a lot of bands. Like, Neutral Milk Hotel. They disbanded before the turn of the century, and I just discovered them a year or two ago. It's not that I was busy listening to top 40 radio, it's that I'll get really into a new band and kind of immerse myself in them, and then when I come up for air, I've missed other amazing bands. It's hard to keep up. There is a lot of amazing music out there. And with the all the technology, more people are making music and getting it out there than ever before.

I grew up listening to classic standards like The Beach Boys and The Beatles. My parents were music lovers, so there was always something good coming out of the stereo. My favorite band was The Beach Boys. They were my first concert, and my parents actually met Mike Love and Al Jardine when they went to take a smoke outside before the concert started. I was so jealous. They got their autographs, and I really hope that I still have it somewhere.

In the 2nd grade, if we passed our spelling test on the first try, we were allowed free time while the kids who didn't pass had to retake the test. Being a smart cookie, I passed and raced to the tape player with my Catch a Wave cassette in hand. Clunky, blue headphones on, I started jamming to "Fun, Fun, Fun" and was really getting into it, when I was tapped on the shoulder by my teacher Mrs. Heck. Apparently, I had been singing aloud, and was disturbing the rest of the class as they tried to spell words like "autumn" and "bicycle." Morons. The whole class laughed at me, and my face went a bright crimson, but I didn't abandon my love of Carl Wilson's lovely falsetto on "God Only Knows" or Brian's knack for writing a perfect pop song. I'm not going to lie, I got really into NKOTB, Tiffany and Milli Vanilli during that same time. But affairs come and go, true love lasts forever.

In high school, I opted for rock bands like The Rolling Stones, The Doors, The Who, and Led Zeppelin. I also got really into Jimmy Buffett and Dave Matthews Band. I'm going to stand by my love of Jimmy Buffett, because he has some pretty great songs if you get past the dreck that is "Cheeseburger in Paradise" and "Margaritaville." Take a listen to "Biloxi" and "In the Shelter." Both are on the Changes in Latitudes album, and both are close to my heart. Listening to Jimmy Buffett reminds me of family road trips to Florida in our big Chevy Beauville van, that we called "Old Blue." Dad had a standard mixed tape that he'd pop in for the 18 hour ride, and it included a lot of Jimmy Buffett, The Beach Boys and The Byrds. It makes me smile just thinking about it. I'm headed down to Florida myself on Saturday, might have to pay a little tribute.

In college, the birth of Napster, Scour, and Kazaa and befriending different friends with different music tastes broadened my horizons. Now, I subscribe to emusic.com, which allows me to download 50 songs a month for around $12. There, I've been introduced to Bon Iver, Magnetic Fields, Ryan Adams, Blonde Redhead, Of Montreal, Old Crow Medicine Show, and one of my new favorites: The Decemberists. But I still feel like I'm missing out.

Is there anything anyone thinks I should be listening to? My loves range from Talking Heads to George Michael, back to Ben Folds to Willie Nelson to Heart. I'll take a listen to just about anything, and I'll probably end up liking it. What do you have for me, Internet?


Now playing: "Knights of Cydonia" by Muse

April Fools

In the spirit of April Fools Day, I'm going to be upfront about how I'm a sucker.

I was thinking about telling you about how I purchased a $200 tire for my car yesterday, but it's still a little fresh, and my cheeks are still tear stained. It especially hurts when your father is disappointed and tells you that you "were taken" and that "they saw you coming from a mile away." Insult to injury in it's truest form.

Do you know any 26 year old that has a time share? You do now! I'm taking my first time share vacation on April 11th to Daytona Beach, Florida. It's not so much of a time share, as a "vacation plan." Regardless, I'm still paying for it every month, and I feel like an idiot.

I used to be pretty clever with practical jokes. I would call my Grandma and joke with her that I was pregnant, and one time I convinced my mom that my sister, who was around 12 at the time, was hiding Playboys in her bedroom. That one backfired a little, because Mom started yelling at Megs, and made her cry. Sorry, Meggie Applehead.

But somewhere in my twenties, I lost my edge. I believe almost anything. I just know I'll be one of those old ladies on the news that gets scammed out of her retirement money. It's only a matter of time.

So if anyone is selling a bridge anywhere, or a nice piece of swamp land, you might want to try and sell to me. I'll probably take you up on it.



Now Playing: Plans by Band of Horses

"Who watches the Watchmen?"

OK. I finally finished Watchmen. And yes, as you've probably heard elsewhere, far more eloquently, it was good. It was recommended to me by a friend of a friend a few months ago, so I thought I would read it before seeing it in the theater. Although enjoyable, it didn't catch me off guard by punching me square in the chest, leaving me gasping for breath. Zak told me it would blow my mind. Did it surprise me? Sorta. But rock my world off its axis? Not so much.

But you know what? I'm jazzed that a piece of fiction did that for him. I know there are books out there that have changed me and I've repeatedly recommended them. I wanted my friends to have the same reaction as I did. Which was "HOLY SHIT! HOW DID I LIVE MY LIFE BEFORE READING THIS?!" It's kind of disappointing when they weren't crapping their pants with excitement. Hence, why I'm not going to tell Zak that I merely enjoyed Watchmen.

(For those of you who worry that I'm going to spoil the ending, don't worry. I'm not.)

There were some MAJOR themes in this graphic novel, but there were so many small, trivial questions that I wanted answers to. I simply cannot get over these stupid facts that were just glossed over. Like, why did Rorschach smell? Did he not shower? His stench was commented upon like, 10 times. 10 times! With no explanation! Come on!

Also, why is Dr. Manhattan always naked? He starts out with a full body suit, then cuts down to a wrestling singlet, then to some bikini briefs, then he just goes full out streaker. Except he doesn't run. He calmly walks about. Naked. And they show his giblets. I'm not gonna lie, for being the most powerful "man" on Earth, he doesn't look so "powerful" below the belt. Must be a grower, not a shower. I'm not ashamed of looking. You would have too.

Why is Nixon president? It's set it in 1985. It doesn't make any sense. I have no witty commentary for that part. It just annoyed me.

For any help or theories you might have on these topics, I'd appreciate it.

Slaminky Malargy...

Now Playing: "Maneater" by Hall & Oates